Despite a surprisingly late appearance and a generally negative reputation with the press, Lord Satan has emerged as an unlikely dark horse in the 2008 Presidential Campaign. "Better late than never," he said, while adding, "It also helps that I am immortal."
Agreeing to an interview, Lord Satan poured Jasmine tea in his Alabama office and settled into his favorite chair – a diamond-encrusted throne made from the charred bones of a hundred of the Lord's most righteous seraphs. "You'll have to excuse me if I am rude," he said in a low, rumbling Latin-accented timbre. "But I believe my reputation with guests should have proceeded me before you agreed on this interview."
Operating mainly through online viral marketing platforms, which include privately funded web pages and self-approved YouTube postings, as well as a surge in the souls that he has "laid siege upon," Lord Satan has made an impact on other candidates with his frequent accusation that "none of them would be where they are without me." His stances on punishing "the wicked" have made him a favorite in the Gallup polls. He has also been noted for his retorts against his detractors many of whom claim he is not an American, an accusation that the candidate feels is "slanderous and untrue."
Lord Satan bases his assertion that Hell is most definitely a part of The United States on its identity as an all-encompassing dimension with a growing number of portals springing up in various US locales, "mainly in the South." He added, "These are the same people that don't think Hawaii is a state. Besides, I've been here for as long as there were Trans-Atlantic slaves."
Lord Satan's stances on cultural issues have also caused controversy. He is vehemently pro-life but supports stem-cell research. The candidate was also the foremost champion of the SCHIP and universal health care, citing that his divergent political stances are all in the interest of "keeping more American souls alive to partake of."
While his politics on health and stem-cell research have won him a largely liberal fanbase, it is his adamant opposition to gay marriage that has lost him most of the vote from the political left. "Look," Lord Satan said when pressed about this issue, "my job is to influence the souls of Earth in my endless rebellion against The Creator. I corrupt souls. I don't complete them."
Even with a last-minute campaign, the candidate treated the interviewer to the unveiling of his own Malebolge Party mascot. "Meet Geryon," he said while holding up a portrait of the flying demon with claws and the face of a beatific man. "Not as domestic as the elephant or the donkey, but I felt it was best to get supporters acquainted before they meet him. Plus, would that face lie to you?"
While he has made no secret of his plans to use America to wage his war on The Gilded The Army of Heaven, Lord Satan has found no opposition. "It seems as if Americans are just tired of their repressed states, serving under an overlord who is both incompetent and unwarranted in his wiles," he said before laughing maniacally and sending out an earthquake that claimed 100 lives in the nearby area. "No, I'm just joshing. You guys are just gullible and paranoid. You'd bomb Iran just because of what their leader says about you."
When asked about his foreign policy concerning the Middle East, the candidate had few words to say but insisted he had everything under control. "To know why Mahmoud Ahmadinejad sounds like your leader you have to ask yourself who has two thumbs and is an adviser to both of them," Lord Satan said before pointing at himself with both thumbs. "This guy."
As for the environment, Lord Satan plans to "crack open the portals to the Well of Sinners and bathe the whole of this wretched land in the festering toxins of boiling blood, pus and excrement until every corner looks and reeks of Los Angeles."
When asked why he felt that people who don't agree with him would still vote for him, the candidate sat back and finished his tea. "I think," he said, "that if you look at how everyone seems to agree with John Edwards and Dennis Kucinich based on how ordinary decent people should live, and then never turn out at the polls, I have the distinct advantage of being the most despicable candidate who may very well accumulate the votes.
"Not to mention," Lord Satan laughed as fire rose from his eyes, "the fact that people vote based mainly on fear, and who is a master of fear more than I?"
The candidate then ended the interview before engulfing himself in flames and vanishing into the ether.
Lord Satan was born in Heaven from the whim of The Creator, God. He was educated at the very second of his inception, but later received his Doctorate in Business Management at Liberty University in Lynchburg, VA. He spends much of his time traveling the world, but has settled on living in the US with his home base in Alabama. He plans to move to Saudi Arabia, which he feels is "finally catching up to America in terms of hatred and paranoia."
Agreeing to an interview, Lord Satan poured Jasmine tea in his Alabama office and settled into his favorite chair – a diamond-encrusted throne made from the charred bones of a hundred of the Lord's most righteous seraphs. "You'll have to excuse me if I am rude," he said in a low, rumbling Latin-accented timbre. "But I believe my reputation with guests should have proceeded me before you agreed on this interview."
Operating mainly through online viral marketing platforms, which include privately funded web pages and self-approved YouTube postings, as well as a surge in the souls that he has "laid siege upon," Lord Satan has made an impact on other candidates with his frequent accusation that "none of them would be where they are without me." His stances on punishing "the wicked" have made him a favorite in the Gallup polls. He has also been noted for his retorts against his detractors many of whom claim he is not an American, an accusation that the candidate feels is "slanderous and untrue."
Lord Satan bases his assertion that Hell is most definitely a part of The United States on its identity as an all-encompassing dimension with a growing number of portals springing up in various US locales, "mainly in the South." He added, "These are the same people that don't think Hawaii is a state. Besides, I've been here for as long as there were Trans-Atlantic slaves."
Lord Satan's stances on cultural issues have also caused controversy. He is vehemently pro-life but supports stem-cell research. The candidate was also the foremost champion of the SCHIP and universal health care, citing that his divergent political stances are all in the interest of "keeping more American souls alive to partake of."
While his politics on health and stem-cell research have won him a largely liberal fanbase, it is his adamant opposition to gay marriage that has lost him most of the vote from the political left. "Look," Lord Satan said when pressed about this issue, "my job is to influence the souls of Earth in my endless rebellion against The Creator. I corrupt souls. I don't complete them."
Even with a last-minute campaign, the candidate treated the interviewer to the unveiling of his own Malebolge Party mascot. "Meet Geryon," he said while holding up a portrait of the flying demon with claws and the face of a beatific man. "Not as domestic as the elephant or the donkey, but I felt it was best to get supporters acquainted before they meet him. Plus, would that face lie to you?"
While he has made no secret of his plans to use America to wage his war on The Gilded The Army of Heaven, Lord Satan has found no opposition. "It seems as if Americans are just tired of their repressed states, serving under an overlord who is both incompetent and unwarranted in his wiles," he said before laughing maniacally and sending out an earthquake that claimed 100 lives in the nearby area. "No, I'm just joshing. You guys are just gullible and paranoid. You'd bomb Iran just because of what their leader says about you."
When asked about his foreign policy concerning the Middle East, the candidate had few words to say but insisted he had everything under control. "To know why Mahmoud Ahmadinejad sounds like your leader you have to ask yourself who has two thumbs and is an adviser to both of them," Lord Satan said before pointing at himself with both thumbs. "This guy."
As for the environment, Lord Satan plans to "crack open the portals to the Well of Sinners and bathe the whole of this wretched land in the festering toxins of boiling blood, pus and excrement until every corner looks and reeks of Los Angeles."
When asked why he felt that people who don't agree with him would still vote for him, the candidate sat back and finished his tea. "I think," he said, "that if you look at how everyone seems to agree with John Edwards and Dennis Kucinich based on how ordinary decent people should live, and then never turn out at the polls, I have the distinct advantage of being the most despicable candidate who may very well accumulate the votes.
"Not to mention," Lord Satan laughed as fire rose from his eyes, "the fact that people vote based mainly on fear, and who is a master of fear more than I?"
The candidate then ended the interview before engulfing himself in flames and vanishing into the ether.
Lord Satan was born in Heaven from the whim of The Creator, God. He was educated at the very second of his inception, but later received his Doctorate in Business Management at Liberty University in Lynchburg, VA. He spends much of his time traveling the world, but has settled on living in the US with his home base in Alabama. He plans to move to Saudi Arabia, which he feels is "finally catching up to America in terms of hatred and paranoia."
No comments:
Post a Comment